As a lighthearted (read: not to be taken seriously) followup to my recent Twenty Questions About Cybis post, here are some questions posed by a creative friend/Archive reader/collector in a humorous vein, and my responses likewise. (Disclaimer: No political opinion is expressed or implied by any question or answer!)

Why was Aunt Pauline so foolish to have ever paid so much for these things in the first place and why did she leave me the porcelain collection instead of the Florida real estate?
Could be any number of reasons: (a) Your Uncle Fred was trying to unobtrusively dispose of the mob money/cash he was receiving; (b) She was practicing trickle-down economics; (c) She had the notorious Collector Gene which is known to deactivate normal brain functions; (d) She honestly thought they would significantly increase in value over time. Oh about that Florida condo: It’s your own fault for not writing effusive thank-you notes the morning after every birthday and holiday gift she gave you. And for not inviting her to your housewarming party despite the fact that she’d always get up and do her Gypsy Rose Lee imitation atop the coffee table after her third Schnapps. She never stopped grousing about that until the day she died.

Which shopping channel sells Cybis?
None, but you could try going on Shark Tank and convincing Laurie Greiner that these are new pieces you are producing yourself at a fabulous profit margin and that she should immediately start hawking them on QVC. If that fails, try to get a licensing deal from Mister Wonderful.

Why is it that when I dropped my piece in the marble entryway the head snapped off but the flowers on her dress didn’t break?
By any chance was this their legendary top-secret never-released and thus totally unknown sculpture of Anne Boleyn? If not, then sorry — I got nuthin’.

My dog ate my Cybis, should I take him to the vet?
Depends on the size of the dog versus the size of the Cybis. You might just need to feed him a huge supply of Ex-Lax. But the bigger question is, why are you too cheap to buy the poor thing some decent bones and chew toys? Shame on you.

Is Cybis weatherproof for outdoor displays?
Depends on your weather. Do you live in a place where it never hails, has no acid rain, no torrential downpours, no tornados, no earthquakes, no hurricanes, no blizzards or ice storms, no sudden temperature swings, no winds stronger than a sexy whisper, no inquisitive squirrels, and no swooping-and-pooping birds? If so, your Cybis might be weatherproof. Now please tell me via encrypted email precisely where this Garden of Eden is located.

I was told that my piece is a One Of A Kind, but why are there so many just like it for sale on eBay?
That, my friend, is one of the Great Mysteries of the Universe — right up there with Why Does the Washer Occasionally Eat One Sock and Why Do They Always Discontinue the Best [insert name of product here.] But whilst you are pondering all that, I  have a bridge to sell you. It is currently owned by a Nigerian prince who finds himself in need of ready cash.

Why didn’t Cybis make more African-American Children to Cherish pieces?  Were they racists?
For that matter why didn’t they make any Hispanic children and only two Asian ones? Inquiring minds at the ACLU obviously missed a great lawsuit there.

Is Donald Trump going to commission a piece of Cybis in his image to commemorate his historic presidency?
The chances of that are somewhat less than minus-zero. Thankfully!

Is Cybis dishwasher safe?
What an interesting question. Why don’t you try it? Let me know how it turns out, and approximately how many shards your plumber had to dig out of the drain line afterward.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled Cybis Archive postings. Happy Holidays! 🙂

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